# Grappling with Reality MAY 14, 2026 I wish I could write about something nice, but I don't know really how to do that. Not when everything that could go wrong- goes wrong. I have been in severe pain for days that is only settling down today. I've contemplated going to the hospital the past few days but don't know if my pain is justifiable enough for it. I have been having severe pain in my right-side abdomen / pelvic area. If you follow me you may know that I post about my PMDD and gynecological problems often, it's a theme present in my art a lot. Well, I'm trying to grapple with the reality that there really is something seriously wrong and that I am disabled. I am trying to fight the doctors to get a diagnosis for my almost life-long fatigue, and I am fighting the gynos to get a diagnosis for PCOS / PMOS or Endo. I've been fighting this system for two years because growing up my abusive family always just told me that pain and sufffering to this degree is normal so I only started going to the gyno two years ago. I have pretty severe trauma from my childhood and to be bluntly honest I cannot perform any kind of penetrative action. They can't diagnose me with anything because I can't take a transvaginal ultrasound. Do you know how badly I just want it all to stop? I've always been a fighter and I'll keep fighting but by GOD do I just want it all to stop, no matter the consequences of what that entails. I haven't been able to do anything this year.... anything... I haven't acomplished anything. I need $200 in my bank by June 18th because I am turning 24 and I will get a service fee charge in my savings. I haven't had a job in a year now and I only have $90 in my bank. I may just have to close it... I don't know- I feel like an utter failure of life and I am so tired of this world, this country, my life. I was looking forward to art fight but fuck me right? ok i'm logging off before i fucking explode. Bye.... [tag] 2026 [tag] health # Back on Track APRIL 4 2026 Things are starting to look up again... Maybe? My dads wife is in the hospital right now, planned to undergo the same surgery my boyfriend just went through weirdly enough. Moe is back at work and things are slowly coming together as they were before, its been 3 years of silent suffering. I'm still also looking for a job but honestly my dissociative symptoms have gotten so much worse ever since I hit 18. It feels like I am barely there sometimes. I am back to working on my commission work which is great. My clients are always so nice and patient with me and I am incredibly grateful for this fact. I am proud of where I am as an artist and I am going to take the time to write this out so I can come back in the future when I am inevitably beating myself up for shit outta my control. Still watching Bakugan, I love revisiting shows I loved as a kid so much. I beat myself up A LOT for being autistic because I am... kinda ashamed about the fact that I am almost 24 and still obsessively liking the same things I did as a kid. I probably should be nicer to myself cause I am not hurting anyone by liking a 15 year old anime aimed to sell childrens toys am I? :shrug: [tag] 2026 # Surgery MARCH 17 2026 Hello fellow netizens, yesterday my boyfriend went into surgery its been a really rough year but the last three years have felt absolutely harrowing honestly. I am doing my very best to be strong for him and for everyone else who believes in the both of us. Surgery is already over and he is trying to stabilize at home but the pain is pretty bad. I haven't had the time, nor energy to work on anything outside of being self-indulgent with making cartoon fanart. I really want to work on my own original creations again but my spirit is so low I can't feasibly do it especially since my work is largely aided with contributation from my boyfriend, we're a team, we work together on these ocs and stories. I guess you could say I have been mentally regressing, I feel a lot of brain fog and cognitive dissonance lately. Probably just with everything going on. I wish I had something else to say but I really don't.............. Watch Bakugan Battle Brawlers okay? [tag] 2026 # First Diary Entry MARCH 6 2026 Hello... I finally updated this to make it look nicer... Ahhh thankyou to the people out there who make templates like this its such a life saver! I am prioritizing my neocities page more because honestly I am so done with social media... It's so toxic and I don't really like it and it has been harming my mental health so I am trying to take a step back from social media platforms in favor of personalizied web... Neocities is just cooler, what can I say? I already updated my art tab, which is looking great once again THANK YOU TO THE TALENTED CODERS OUT HERE MAN, im trying my hardest to learn though!! [tag] update [tag] 2026